Balance

So every day I struggle. I have struggled for years. There is always some problem or new drama that I thought for sure would be the death of me. Just an endless wave of heartache and troubles. The most important thing that I failed to realize over the years was that these problem while hurtful or hard to deal with would still be there, my reaction to them could have been so different. I don't mean running around screaming against the world reaction, I mean in how I let it drag me down, take me out of the game, and create this illusion in my head that prevented me from going forward with anything else. And it all boils down to one innocuous word, balance.

I have none, hell even as a kid I could trip over my own two feet. Seriously though when it comes to the day to day living I couldn't and still sometimes can't achieve a rational balance. For so long I have raised my kids, worked, made all of the household/child related decisions that somewhere I forgot how to fit me into that. I wanted to write but someone was sick. I needed an emotional break from my children but their father would not keep them that weekend. I received little to any help always causing me to become overly stressed by my choices. I wanted someone else to make these choices.

How would the rent get paid if the car needed worked on? How am I suppose to work and pick up my often disobedient child from school? How am I supposed to write my great novel when kids are slobbering over me asking when they can eat? Do I buy the healthier brand of food or the one I can afford?

Those might sound like silly questions but when daily you are pounded by hundreds of these types of questions and the decision and outcome of your possible choice weighs solely on your head it can be very daunting. I wish someone had told me about balance. Unfortunately I don't think it's taught but rather learned. I even believe some people are ingrained with it. How nice for them but what about the rest of us?

Slowly with some of the new changes in my life I am growing to understand my perfect balance. I don't believe balance is the same for everyone. Yes we all have work, school, children's social and sporting life, deadlines, and doctor's appointments, but I'm not merely referring to that which can be put on a calender.
Maybe for some it's God, for others it's downtime with family, for me it's personal.

It is how I react to situations now, how I balance the calender, my many jobs, children and their issues, and having me time.
For so long I thought if I spend more time on my self by writing and creating that I must be taking away from my children and time solving the mountain of problems that loomed over me. I didn't realize that if I had taken that step that possibly even then I might have resolved some of those problems immediately.

It is a daily struggle still. I have to keep a date book or I will go insane. I have a work, kid's activities and jobs, appointments, two side businesses that I am running, and writing,
Finally, my writing has a permanent place in my day to day life other than in my head. It is now on paper or in my computer but nevertheless it is still out of my thoughts and into realization. Sometimes it might be two am in the morning and I am writing because it is the first chance of the day to do so but I can be happy because I am made the choice.

And while all the other problems are still here, brakes are bad, electric is over due, hours cut at work, misbehaving children, they will still be there when I finish my writing, Had I not written, the problems wouldn't have been any different but with having done so, I am.