Each and everyday I wake up and say today will not be yesterday. Today will not feel as if I pressed the rewind button on my week and that hell hath repeated itself just because it can. So each morning I do wake up and I repeat, as I drive bickering kids, this will be a good day, I will not succumb to the negative around me, I promise not to feed offending people to my friend Sharyn's wood chipper.
I lived a long time in a negative place, some of it produced bright spots, but mostly it was just unhealthy. I have worked extremely hard to always keep my head above the water, emotionally and financially, sometimes failing. But I picked myself pack up and started over. I find that I am good at least at that. I am a survivor and I believe that is an inherent trait as well as social.
I was taught many lessons throughout childhood. Some healthy and some not. Frugality, perseverance, drive, pride, hard work, internalizing emotions,confidence, insecurity, and a questionable balance of self worth. All of these lessons or traits have molded who I am today teaching me in certain situations the hard way but I did learn. I learned that I really don't care what other people think of me, I wavered with this for awhile, but in the end the inner bitch won. I do not believe I am superior. I will talk to anyone and befriend whoever but I cannot tolerate certain people and situations.
I have been accused of this many times. Yes I am better than the mother who stays drunk all the time, and the drug addicted neighbor whose child starves because their cereal money is spent on the next fix, and I am smart and you feel as if I am being uppity, observe your own insecurities because that is your problem not mine. There are many things I do not know and I glean information daily from other people. I do not feel inferior because someone else knows something that I don't. When I say I am better than the above people it does not mean that I feel superior to them only that I am stronger than that. If anything I pity them and their situations.
Because of this I have lost friends and acquaintances and I had to ask myself one day if I really cared. Of course I mourned the loss of these limited friendships but in the end they amount to nothing. I have had a select group of close friends for the last 20 some odd years, with their own ups and downs, that really matter. Most people in life come and go and hopefully a lesson is learned by both individuals. True friends are the ones who come and never leave and learn lessons daily from each other whether about the other or themselves.
It is looking through these friendships that has taught me about myself and how the world sees me. Sometimes I care and sometimes I don't.
Family shapes this struggle as well. I love my family difficult as they all may be. 90% of what I am made of comes from them. My mom has always been the epitome of unconditional love. You could axe murder the cat next door and while she might have beat my ass, been sickened and disturbed( I would hope), she still would still be there for any of us. My step-mom and I didn't always have the greatest relationship but we had ALOT of fun and she stuck with me, when I most needed family support, when she didn't have to and I will always have a special regard for her because of that. My dad's parents died early. I cherished the times I was able to spend with them because my grandpa with his gruff teasing manner and grandma with her tattle tales about my dad taught me pride and strength in the face of adversity. They were a very poor people but they never lost faith in life at least that they let on and showed me that you just keep going no matter what.
I grew up down the street from my maternal grandparents so I spent much of my life with them. My grandmother is an enigma. I am constantly learning new things about her everyday. She is so unassuming that it is hard to pin her down. She loves me and when I was little that was all I needed to know but she also taught me kindness, charity, and family. My grandfather, who just recently passed away, taught me and everyone else everyday. The man was a natural born, self taught, teacher of life. There wasn't a subject he couldn't discuss. Whether it was manners, humility, charity, academic, or hard work he was the go-to man.
Then there are my siblings. I grew up in the same house with a stranger for a sister and a little bratty brother. My sister taught me that people are different and that doesn't make them unlikable and if I had a problem with her it was my problem. We just operate on a different spectrum of life and that is ok. ( I still think she's a weirdo, but she thinks I am too so we are even). That bratty brother, should have been my twin, because he's definitely my male counterpart in all things evil. It is amazing how similar we are and yet we do have our differences but it provides a balance. I have three half sisters that I did not grow up with full time but I love all the same. One in particular, taught me plenty about myself, when she was in her teens, I couldn't stand the little shit. Then I realized she was kinda me....oops...made me think.
Then there is my dad. I left him for last because unwittingly he taught me the most about myself. I love my father perhaps more than other people. I know that early on I put him on a pedestal that he had no way of reaching. I know that now. My goal in life for along time was to please my father, make him happy with me, anything that would make him not leave me as well the marriage. Even as I got older, smarter, I didn't realize I was carrying this unrealistic expectation around. My dad was not perfect and hurt my feelings and probably pissed me off more than a few times but that was okay I told myself because hes my dad. I never gave my mom the same excuse and blamed her for many things that was never in her control while excusing my father.
He told me he loved me but I always felt it was conditional. Maybe it was his communication skills, maybe mine. It didn't really matter because the emotional roller coaster was still present. Over the years some issues were resolved but still doubts and my insecurities lingered. When I needed him emotionally he wasn't present. When I needed answers and clarity he offered me tough shit and deal with it.
Perhaps that was emotional for him, that he passed on what he was taught, I don't know. In the end it wasn't all for nothing because I did suck it up and push through then I called my mommy for the emotional back up that was needed. : ) I never felt like I was enough and I suppose regardless of what he was capable of that was my problem to fix instead of blame on him. Through this my mom was unfailingly there and one day she told me either accept him for who he is and continue our relationship or walk away. So I did. I accepted that he wasn't perfect and I put his pedestal away. One day not long ago he said the words that for the first time in my life began to heal my Psyche. He told me how proud he was of me for getting as far as I had in life, struggling as I had, and maintaining. These were words I had thirsted for years for.
During a recent conversation he talked about how you can't put much stock in what other people think all the time and that you have to live your life for you not for everyone else. He wasn't referring to our relationship but it was like balm on that healing Psyche.
Last year I moved and took that move as a time to institute change throughout all aspects of my life. Some has taken, some is struggling, some is still in the works, and some of that change is fighting me every day tooth and nail, but with every old wound healed or at least understood and rationalized I am moving forward. Plenty of backward steps I have taken even since I demanded all this change in my life and while it has been difficult and parts of it soul crushing I know that tomorrow is a new day and I can start over. I am often asked by people who know me well why I can smile through all the drama and my answer is because laughing keeps the tears away. So i make jokes because guaranteed if you don't someone else will and owning it allows you to let it go instead of wallowing in self pity.
So I struggle through each day. I fight the hordes of bad luck that is just waiting out there to piss me off. I realize that I don't have to like everyone and that I don't really care if they like me. In the end, I remember, I do have a friend with a wood chipper.
© Vartok Dana McLennan
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